Behavioral Consult

Do as I say, not as I do! A futile plea


 

I am constantly amazed when parents come in complaining about their child’s nail biting or irritable attitude “no matter how many times I tell her” as they do these same things in front of me!

We have not evolved that far from our nonverbal ancestors to expect that words will speak louder than actions. Looking closely, you can see even very young infants gazing closely at their parents, then mirroring their facial expressions a few minutes later (because of slower processing). Mirroring is probably the correct word for this as the mirror neuron system of the brain has as its primary and crucial function allowing humans to copy what they see in others.

Dr. Barbara Howard

Dr. Barbara Howard

Children look to model, especially those who are slightly older and more adept than they are. Older siblings bask in this adoration at times and squeal in frustration at other times that their younger sister is “mocking” them by copying their speech and actions. When children are picking up serious negative behaviors from siblings or peers, particularly in adolescence, we need to coach parents to take action.

But watching parents is the most powerful or “salient” stimulus for learning. Some theorize that the long period of childhood evolved to allow children to learn the incredible amount of information necessary to live independently in our complex culture. This learning begins very early and requires close contact and careful observation of the minute details of how the parent survives every day.

Eating is a great primitive example of why children must model their parents. How do animals know which plants are poisonous? By watching others eat and spit, choke, or vomit. Entire families have nonpreferred foods passed on by modeling refusal as well as lack of exposure on the table. Conversely, picky eaters need to observe others, preferably admired peers and parents, eating those vegetables. (Tasting is also necessary, but that’s a topic for another day!) It is worth asking about family meals, without the distraction of a TV, as they are key moments to model nutritious eating for their lifetime.

In “underdeveloped” countries, infants are naturally carried everywhere and observing constantly. In our “developed” country, many infants spend hours each day at day care, modeling their caregivers or watching media examples of people interacting, which may not be the models parents would consciously choose. Parents often ask us about childcare, anxious about the extremely rare threat of abduction, when we should instead be advising them about what models they want for their children during this critical learning period.

Emotion cueing is a crucial component of modeling and an untaught constant of typical parent-child interaction. Crawling infants placed on a clear surface over a “visual cliff” that appeared to be a sudden precipice look to the parent’s affect to decide how to act. The mother was instructed to show fear or joy when her baby reached the apparent danger and looked up for a warning. When fear was shown, the infants backed off and cried. When joy was shown, the baby crawled gaily across the “cliff.” For parents who do not come by signaling confidence naturally but want to model this for their children, I advise they “fake it until you make it!”

Parents are instructing their progeny in how to feel and act in every situation, whether they know it or not. Confident parents model bravery; kind parents model compassion; flexible parents model resilience; patient parents model tolerance; anxious parents model caution; angry parents model aggression. Ignoring parents (think: on their cellphone, distracted, depressed, inebriated, or high) leave their children to feel confused and insecure. An adaptive child of an ignoring parent may demand information by crying, clinging, fighting with siblings, or hitting the parent. They are desperate for the parental attention to teach them and keep them safe. A more passive child may become increasingly inhibited in their exploration of the world. We need to consider possible modeling failures when such child reaction patterns are the complaint, and remember that the adverse model may not be in the room, requiring us to ask, “What other adult models does he see?”

Studies have shown that infants learn resilience when experiencing “mistakes” in parent-infant interaction; learning how to tolerate and repair an interaction that is not perfect. This is really good news for parents who feel that they must be perfect models for their children! For parents of anxious or obsessive children, I sometimes prescribe making mistakes and saying “Oh well,” as well as rewarding the child when they can say “Oh well” themselves. No child is too old to benefit from observing a parent apologize sincerely for a mistake.

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